The Gay Letter

      After our exchange of emails I could see that you were as Ricky had said you would be, honestly trying to understand another person's position. You seemed to really want to know what one man could see as attractive and desirable in a another man, what the two could do together and how they could enjoy it and look forward to a repeat performance, and even how they could have feelings for each other beyond friendship. Not long after our Memorial Day Weekend emails, I decided to go into some depth on the subject, as you have done on other topics on several occasions, to tell my side of the story, with the intent that you may post it on the site for others to read.

      I have been Gay my entire life. There was only a brief time in high school when I even considered dating girls and becoming involved with them. There was no heartbreak or bad romance behind the realization that I was indeed homosexual, it was simply a fact. Given an option between going out with a girl and spending time with other young men, I almost always choose the latter, both for companionship and sexual exploration. Just as young people everywhere do, we played Truth, and teased each other, and we got very good at doing circle jerks where we'd sit cross legged in a circle and see who could make somebody else cum before they themselves did.
      At the time it was all in fun, and some of my friends who were so engaged became dedicated heterosexuals, but it convinced me that that was where I belonged. I loved having a penis all the way in my mouth to where I could feel his heartbeat in it from the first time I did it. It was absolutely natural for me.

      My first truly homosexual one on one affair was when I was almost seventeen, it was with a slightly older friend of mine who later became bisexual. We'd both been in the group that had been playing around, and we wanted to take it further, but when with the others we just couldn't be as serious and relaxed as we wanted to be, so we made arrangements to get together one weekend and see what happened. There was no pressure from either of us that I was aware of to do anything. It was indeed mutual to the point where it was a mutual seduction and we spent a very nice time pleasuring each other and ourselves in his grandparent's house.
      That first time alone together we didn't engage in intercourse, but we did do each other orally and it was then that I swallowed my first cum as well as having somebody else swallow mine in turn, and we didn't even have to discuss who would go first or flip a coin, I went down on him first because I wanted to. I had wanted to do it all the way to its conclusion in the group, but we just never did it. And although we had played at it, it just wasn't the same. Now as he came and I swallowed, it was beautiful and satisfying in ways I cannot easily put into words that will not sound trite.
      If I remember correctly, it was two weeks later, back in the same basement, when he asked me if I wanted to try fucking each other. I said yes even though I was terrified, and we undressed. When I took his beautiful young penis into my mouth it was the thing I most wanted to do in the world before we did anything else, and even if we didn't do anything else. To have him enter me back there was something else all together as I had been taught all my life that that was absolutely forbidden. Which meant we both really wanted to do it.
      That time we did talk about it, and we agreed that since I took him in my mouth first last time, that he would do the same for me this time, using his mouth to get me hard, then using the lotion we had to grease me and his rear up for the new adventure. I was so nervous as I stood behind him as he bent over and spread his legs that at first I lost my erection, but with his gentle stroking our mutual encouragement with the idea of what we were actually doing, and the taste of his cum still in my mouth from earlier, I soon got it back up and then began pushing myself into him.
      Now I know that we both went way too fast, and that the initial pain we both felt could be avoided, but then, that was part of the fun and his gasp and shuddering was part of the excitement. And when it was my turn, I reacted in much the same way.
      When I had first cum in his mouth I had been able to hold it back a little because it just felt so good having him running his lips up and down me. But now, pumping in and out of his butt, I couldn't have stopped myself for one second. I came quickly and with a lot of force. He even said that he could feel it inside him. I told him that I couldn't wait for my turn even while I was still inside him wondering if I was actually done.
      We separated and felt awkward for a minute until I got on my knees and took him back in my mouth and asked him to get the lotion ready. He was already half hard again, and came a little in my mouth before I could stop. But we laughed about it and he said he'd get it back up soon enough. And he did.
      I bent over the stool and tried to relax like we talked about while he was getting hard again. Then I felt the head of his penis touch my butt and all that went out the window. He pushed inside me of and I shrieked. But then I could feel him going in and out of me, and I couldn't wait to do it again even before he came inside me. And the rush I felt when he did do it up inside me was the sexiest thing I had ever felt, it was even hotter and more tingly than when he had cum in my mouth. I remember saying to myself then that that was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, and in those exact words.
      We both did it again about an hour later. And this time we both lasted longer and enjoyed it even more. And when I did it to him the second time I got on the floor and he got on top of me and I could play with his penis while I was inside him and that was a lot of fun for both of us.
      It wasn't until the third time we were together in the basement that we did it sixty-nine and a couple of other things that I have since gotten to be an expert at. But in less than a year, he went away to college and I only got to see him a couple more times after that.

      Robbie's story is much the same, except he did go through several years of dating women and being absolutely miserable with them because neither his heart nor his head was into the relationship. He broke up with a woman for the last time and then spent some time alone before he let a friend of his talk him into going out with a couple of other guys, all of whom were gay, and he had a wonderful time. Robbie's first experience as a bottom was on that first date and I have kidded him ever since that he was an easy lay.

      We met through a mutual friend, and hit it off, and grew to both love and respect each other until it was natural for us to move in to the townhouse together.
      Just like every other couple, we argue and have times when we wonder if maybe we shouldn't separate. But then those feelings pass and we realize that we do in fact love each other.
      I am not as neat and orderly as I should be, and while Robbie isn't a neat freak, he does like things to be put up and the cabinet doors closed and all that. And to be honest, if there is any ironing to do, he does it. And yes, I think it is incredibly sexy when he walks around the house naked, and sometimes he'll do it just to entice me to jump his bones. If we are both naked at the same time, even if it is to re-paper the upstairs hallway so we don't get paste all over our clothes, we have to really work to get the project done and not spend all day having sex and waste a pail of paste. But there is almost no nagging or complaining by either of us, although I have to say that I am more inclined to whine if we are out of something in the kitchen than he his.
      But no, I am not the butch and him the bitch, or dom and fem, or however it is best described. We are equals in the relationship, and nobody wears feminine lingerie, unless we are playing a game or putting on a show. There are times when I feel more like being the submissive and letting him take the active role, both in bed and with household duties, and times when we share, or when I go top. I won't say that everything in our relationship is fifty - fifty, I don't think any relationship is ever completely perfect like that.
      As for the outside world, I know for a fact that some of the people that know us don't really know that we are in fact lovers and not just housemates. And I've been told that neither of us looks or acts overly Gay although neither of us is really a macho man either. We are both in good shape, neither of us finds being fat attractive and we work to keep the extra weight off, and while I think that Robbie is a bit stronger than I am, neither of us is a body builder either. We are normal thirty-something guys, or at least I think we are.
      We both admit that that is what we like most about each other. That we are not flaming queers as we call those of our friends who are over the top gay with all the affectations such as slurred speech and limp wrists and even the wearing of women's shoes and underwear. But they seem to like that, and sometimes it is fun to have them at a party because they are most assuredly going to be the center of attention and the life of the party, even if nothing sexual happens.
      Neither of us swing our hips when we walk. In fact, on his office softball team, Robbie is one of the better hitters and fastest runners and plays both shortstop and second base. Around the house, if a ceiling fan needs replaced, it tends to fall to me as I am better that way than he is.

      But it is in our love life where we are the most equal. Neither of us is routinely dominate, and there have been times when we have both felt submissive at the same time, which tends to not work very well, but it can be a lot of fun.
      I tend to keep score more than Robbie does, you know, who did what last time, and that kind of thing. But even without my mental notes, we do alternate top and bottom. But as I enjoy being flat on my back so I can watch him ride me while I play with him, like that first day in the basement, so much, we tend to do that more than other things. Robbie's favorite position to do it to me is with me standing up and either bending over or having one foot up on something like the footstool in the living room. As we are about the same height, both positions work very well for us. And when I am in that same position as I was that first time in the basement, and I feel his penetration and then his ejaculation inside me, I have that same thought, and smile that I am still doing it that way so many years later.
      We also enjoy being in bed together and just rubbing ourselves together without penetration, sometimes we make it a game and see if we can cum together, and sometimes we manage to do exactly that. But then we often end up having to wash the sheets when we do.
      And still, even now after over twenty years since having admitted to myself that I am first and last gay, I still absolutely love having him in my mouth. If we don't do anything else on any given day, I want to do that for him and to him. Not that Robbie minds at all, he says I give the best head he's ever dreamed of it's just that I like it. Just like some women claim that they like to use their mouth to give pleasure to a man, I enjoy it because it feels good to me. And if we both enjoy it, why shouldn't we do it?

      And contrary to several TV shows, we don't fool around on a regular basis although we are not totally monogamous. We do have two or three friends that we play with once in awhile when we have a party or go on holiday with them together. But that's it. We don't go to wild orgies or go to glory hole bars or anything like that. Come to think of it, we haven't been in a gay bar since we went to a Florida resort two years ago.
      We are both aware that AIDS is real and something to take precautions against, so when we do party with our friends, we make sure that condoms are available and that they are used. That is something that we and most of our friends, including those like Ricky, try to avoid.
      Now even with that, some of our parties do get pretty wild, and I will use my last birthday as an example. They blindfolded me and sat me on the floor and I had to guess whose penis was in my mouth. They got me good because Robbie went first, and I guessed right, then while I was trying to figure out which of the other guys was next, Robbie trimmed his hair and then went again and I couldn't figure it out. But I like him trimmed, so he keeps it that way now.
      Then one time at another party at a friend's house, Robbie lost a bet and got to be the bottom for a gang bang. We all enjoyed it, and he still talks about how he'd like to try that again sometime when he's not quite as drunk as he was, but he did have a bit of a problem with a hemorrhoid later and was on medication for a couple of weeks for it.

      Something else we don't like is how gay and bisexual men are portrayed in on TV and in movies like the gay cowboy movie a few years ago. I don't see us as sympathetic characters, nor as mentally ill or disadvantaged in any way. Yes I would like our relationship to be legally recognized, but we have both signed living wills and limited powers of attorney where we can act for each other in case of emergency, and we are both in each other's wills, so in many ways, we are as much each other's spouse as we would be if we were heterosexual.

      And I know you want to know about porn. I like to watch any and all porn, gay and straight, even if it is two girls licking each other off. But my favorite is when there is two guys and a girl and the guys are bi. That's just my favorite. And it's even better if they do a chain when there is a guy in the middle who is doing the girl while the other guy does him. For some reason, I think I'd like to try that with a woman even though we've done that kind of thing in our parties with three or four guys in line, and I've always found being in the middle something of a distraction with too much going on at once.
      We do watch some men only movies in with the rest of them because Robbie isn't a big fan of any porn with a woman in it. Which gives us a very broad selection of entertainment to chose from when we want it. But at the same time, he says he likes to see how the other half fucks.
      Which I guess is exactly what you wanted to know from us? Right?

      All things considered, I believe it is just like you mentioned, we are more like the straight world than the straight world wants to admit.